I’m just a girl trying to do this thing [life] the way God had in mind for me. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut – getting too caught up in schedules, to-do lists, and tasks.
But always, always – I go back to God and his word [the bible] for guidance. Because without it, I would wander so far off I might never find my way back.
And I’ve been there before => lost. Though I didn’t realize it at the time. It wasn’t until I found myself locked into a way of life I no longer wanted that it hit: I was trapped.
And in desperation one night, realizing I was powerless to stop what I was doing, I begged God for help. And he met me there. Calmed me. From that point forward, I made the choice to pursue him.
Baby steps. Without a bible or church. Alone. Writing to him in my journal:
“Please help me, God!”
“I need You.”
“Show me Your way.”
“Help me to see You.”
“Help me to follow You.”
I was looking for him everywhere – self-help books, support groups, and therapy. Spending years on the fringes.
Then my mom started talking A LOT about this bible teacher she’d been watching on television and I thought she was losing it. Only she wasn’t. Because while secretly watching the program myself (in an effort to figure out “what she’d gotten herself into”) I heard the message of the Gospel, really heard it for the first time.
Jesus. It all made sense, coming together like a beautifully woven tapestry.
And by the glow of my television in the wee hours of the morning, I laid it all out for God and asked him to forgive me. For being so stubborn. For chasing everything but him. For refusing to let go. For hurting so many. For hurting myself. I made an official declaration that morning to live for Christ and life has never been the same.
It has been a long process because of my stubborn nature and God has been so very patient with me. This is what drives my faith today. He loved me. Pursued me. Never gave up on me. It wasn’t a neat and tidy cookie cutter experience. It was messy and broken, perhaps made even more beautiful because of it.
And it makes me love him all the more.